Top Coaching Techniques - Inner Firewalking

Broadening Your Relationship Horizons

The following is an excerpt of David’s interview in Top Coaching Techniques.

David: That’s exactly why this is an incredible exercise, because you list it all and then you go, ‘Well okay, there are about two people on the planet that could meet that, and they’re married.’

Ingrid: Yeah, that’s right.

David: So yeah, you list all that stuff and then you circle the ones that are really absolute deal-breakers. See how broad you can get. Try not to circle everything and see if you can say, ‘Well, maybe he doesn’t have to be tall.’ You know, or, ‘Maybe she doesn’t have to have an incredible body. Maybe if she was really loving and fun and challenged me, then that could be a wonderful relationship.’ You could even call this – well, it sounds like a narrowing exercise – you could even call it a broadening exercise, because people walk around with this little radar, looking for their perfect partner. The scope of that radar is so narrow, what you want to do is broaden that to give yourself much more opportunity.

Breaking Up and Moving On

The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.

Client: I feel a bit more if I probably don’t get in contact with her, that won’t be probably so bad.

David: Well I’d like to share a couple of thoughts on it. First, I think it’s great, so it sounds like you’re in a good place. What I can see happening is that she was meeting a need for you, she still is. You know, that email felt good, right?

Client: Yeah.

David: So she still is meeting that need for you, and that’s okay, as long as you recognize that when you’re pining, what you’re feeling is, ‘I’m not feeling loved. I want that reassurance from her.’ That’s okay as long as you know what’s going on. It sounds like you realize you weren’t getting everything you need from the relationship, so you made a conscious choice to leave, and then you’re like, ‘Hang on, but I was getting that need.’ What a lot of people do, and what I did for years, is I went back. I went back and got the need met again to the point where I got that filled up, and then thought, ‘What am I doing?’

Client: Yeah, exactly.

Finding The Right Person

The following is an excerpt of David’s interview in Top Coaching Techniques.

Ingrid: Okay. Now sometimes the hardest thing is to find out or try and work out who the right person is for you, what sort of person you’d like to spend the rest of your life with, or a big part of your life with. Where do you start with that?

David: Yes. Bear in mind, I’ll give you an answer but you can’t really do it properly because the head thinks it knows what it wants, and the head says, ‘Oh, I want this kind of person and this kind of person.’ Ultimately, you know, you may not want that at all, or that may not be right for you. There really is a bit of trust about the whole thing, but the head wants an answer so let’s give it one. What a great thing to do is take a piece of paper and list all the qualities – this is like relationship 101 – list all the qualities that you’re looking for in a relationship. You can talk about physical qualities, so if you’re a woman, how tall is this guy? Does he have to blond? Does he have to have a firm butt? What kind of job does this guy have? Is he really open and outgoing? Is he quiet and shy? Is he sensitive? Has he got a hard edge to him? You know, really list what you’re looking for, and then what I think is a wonderful thing is circle the things that you absolutely must have, that you would rather die alone, an old person, rather than pick anybody else.

Gaining Perspective After a Break Up

The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.

David: You’re on the road.

Client: On the road, mate.

David: Good for you. That’s a great perspective, you know? What I wrote down for you in coaching, because you wrote something about trying to win her back and stuff like that, and I don’t know whether to stay in contact, or whatever, we do that in life. We try and make a decision on it, and come up with this executive thing and follow it, and indeed, coaching is a lot about that. However, a wonderful thing to do sometimes is to go in each moment, and not make any decision on it now. But tomorrow, if at 3:00, you feel like calling her and having a chat about what she’s up to, then you can make that decision at that time.

Client: Yeah.

David: If you take a look and think, ‘Do I really want to, or is that just to make me feel a little bit better? Do I need that? Could I take a walk instead?’ You know, it’s whatever you go through, you’ll go through at that point. The next day, or five minutes later, you may feel different.

Integrity Coaching

The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.

David: Okay let’s check something with you now. How did the dinner go?

Client: I didn’t do it.

David: Right.

Client: I’m bad.

David: Yeah, I call that a breakdown in the accountability, because you said that’s what you wanted and you’re not sticking to that. So do you still want accountability?

Client: Yep.

David: How can you reach – does she have a mobile?

Client: Yeah.

David: Have you got a mobile?

Client: Yeah.

David: Okay, how’d you like to give her a call now and tell her when you’re going to cook her dinner?

Client: Yeah, I could do that.

David: It’s called accountability.

Client: It’s just that I’ve got to be careful about why I’m calling her.

David: You can just say, ‘Hey, I want to cook you dinner.’

Client: You mean now now?

David: Yeah, now now. I’ll be happy to hold on.

Client: Let me get off the phone now.

David: I think now might be a little better.

Client: All right.

David: All right, are you willing to do that?

Client: Okay.

David: Great. I’ll hold on.

Client: I’ll put you on hold.

David: Yeah. Thanks.

[Interruption]

David: How are you?

Client: Good. It’s done.

David: Good.

Client: I had trouble getting her. I had to try another number.

David: Well done.

Client: But I did it.

David: That wasn’t so hard.

Client: No, it wasn’t hard at all.

Using Credit Cards

The following is an excerpt of David’s interview in Top Coaching Techniques.

Ingrid: Should we even have a credit card?

David: You can have a credit card, but only if you can control your spending and pay it off every month. If not, you can rip up your card or freeze it in a block of ice so you can’t charge at the spur of the moment.

Ingrid: I know someone who has done that.

David: Only use it in a real emergency.

Ingrid: Do you have a credit card?

David: I have two, actually. I love my credit card for the frequent flyer miles. But, only have one if you are controlling your expenses and saving. Next, list everything that you spend money on. Next to it write, ‘Is this something I could easily cut with no pain, with some pain, or I would rather cut off my left leg?’ Then look at how much you would save each month if you slashed this expense.