Top Coaching Techniques - Inner Firewalking

Forgive and Move On

The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.

David: I was thinking this could be an opportunity to train people in how to be with you, but I wonder if you could just take this as your mother was actually making a contribution to you.

Client: Yeah. She was within her full rights and I wasn’t prepared to give any ground on that occasion, because I was just angry and that was my reaction.

David: Right, and you were being defensive and you were plugged in.

Client: Right.

David: Got it. Is there anything that you need to clean up with your mom over that interaction?

Client: I think I’ve got a lot to clean up with my mom over everything. My father is a very passive person. He used to run his own business and he was very smart, but very passive. All of his staff always loved him. For instance, my sister had a bit of a run in with people at a tennis club one weekend and the person spoke to my dad, and my dad said, ‘Yeah, she’s got a bit of her mother in her.’

So my mother is very aggressive and she was always the one that disciplined us as kids. My father was always the man for the moment, you know. He would say, ‘what’s done, is done’ and how can we cure it? He was never very heavily emotional, whereas mom was always the one who would give a spanking or whatever. You knew if you got a spanking from my father you’d done something really wrong.

David: Right. Well, if I can do a little coaching here – and this is in the communications area – as a coach right now, I’m feeling a little bit lost, and this is normal. I think it’s because I’m hearing a lot of the stories from you. Like ‘this is what happened, and mom was like this’, but it’s really about now. So if you can talk in terms of ‘I feel’ and ‘this is what there is to clean up with my mom right now’, I think I’ll be able to really get it right between my eyes.

Helping Clients Stand On Their Own

The following is an excerpt of David’s interview in Top Coaching Techniques.

Ingrid: Would you say it’s something that you can sort of train people in and then let them go as clients because they’ve developed some procedures and ideas and ways in which they can deal with problems or challenges?

David: Absolutely. Coaching isn’t like a magical answer to everything in life. I call it a support structure. So it’s a great thing to have for six months or even a year, but once people finish with a coach, they go, ‘Well, you know, I’ve gotten a lot out of this. I learned a lot about myself. I’ve got some tools and techniques now that I didn’t have. I’m going to do this on my own now.’ I might even work with them to set up a support structure so that they don’t need coaching, but they might have a friend that they check in with once a week, or they might have a buddy coach and they coach each other on their goals.

Following Your Dreams

The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.

Client: It’s like every week I’ve always come up with, ‘Oh, that would be good or I’d like to do that or own a dog washing business and drive around washing dogs.’

David: Well! Have you written those down?

Client: No, I haven’t.

David: Okay. I want you to write them down right now.

Client: Okay.

David: Those first few that you mentioned. This is going to be your homework, but I just want to get the ball rolling with you and then I’ll give you a form that’s really great. Okay, so: dog washing business, salon, journalist, writing documentaries. Yes, that’s great. You know, you wouldn’t believe how easy it is to do some of this stuff.

Client: Really? It seems like it’s so… but it would be easy, I guess.

Say No and Enjoy It

The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.

David: You seem to me like someone who really wants the world to like them. That’s all of us to a certain extent. That’s something that you’re definitely working at it. What a great insight to have now, instead of at age 60 or 70. There will be a few bumps as you figure out what is right. You may go overboard flexing your muscles and go too far sometimes. But, that’s fine. It’s time you stirred things up a little bit.

Client: Yes!

David: Say, ‘Bring on the consequences.’ That ties in to the second goal. You’ve got to have more fun and stop being so serious. So how about when you are scared to say no to somebody? You can actually go the other way and stir it up a little bit. Have some fun with it. Can you please pass me a glass of water? ‘No. Never as long as I live.’

Client: [laughing] Yes. I can tell this is going to be an interesting task.

How to Have a Very Difficult Conversation

The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.

David: So I’ve got the sense that there are some things you haven’t been telling the absolute truth about, and you want to feel better about these things and be honest without huge upset.

Client: Right. This is with a few of my relationships with my family, I guess, for different reasons.

David: Okay. So, the first point I would make is that sometimes huge upset might be appropriate.

Client: Yeah, I realize that there could be some risks. I have wanted to talk openly with them, but that’s the fear – that there would be this big upset, and of course, I’m worried about losing love.

David: Yes, I totally get it. So one of the definitions of being powerful is to be straight in your communication and to take what you get. I totally understand that that’s asking a lot of you. You really have to stand tall and even grow and be a bigger person to say, ‘You know what? I’m going to take it. Whatever the upset is, I’m going to let them be, and just take whatever it gets.’

Making A Plan

The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.

David: I’m hearing too in there that there might be some things that are important to you that are not getting attention right now. So, you’re actually out of integrity and that’s why you’re feeling that. It’s good news that you’re so sensitive about it. Some people don’t even notice.

Client: Right.

David: Or they just go and distract themselves.

Client: Part of it too is, Seth and I keep coming up with plans and we keep changing these plans. He has been changing his mind, and I feel like I have to go back and figure out what a new strategy is. So some of it is just needing to sit down and come up with a plan together, because there are too many unknowns. Part of it is the being out of integrity thing. In our relationship, he cares very much about making the money and I care about having fun. So, I feel like I have to keep bringing money to the table, but at the same time I really don’t care, because I just want to have fun.

David: So, if you are following his agenda, whose fault is that?

Client: Yeah. That’s part of the problem.

David: There’s something else I could send you that’s really cool and I think you might like it. I don’t think you’ve seen my personal life goal sheet. I’ll send you that and it might give you some ideas.