The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.
David: So this relationship thing, I am really glad to be talking about this with you. Let me give you some feedback on what you wrote: you have ‘100% commitment to resist in order to do what I want’ and ‘I am constantly pulled by ‘do I want to do my own thing and be happy or should I do this thing fully for both of us so that we both can be happy in two years?’ Which one will ultimately give the relationship a chance at success: your being happy or you making the relationship happy?
Client: Probably, if I’m happy. I think.
David: You’re not sure, are you?
Client: Well, when my partner says things like, ‘well, you know we should do this together and we’re doing it for our future’… I kind of get distracted by those things, and I think for him, that’s really important that we do these things together. He requires like 100% of my time and my energy and my effort. Then I think, in order for it to work, then I shouldn’t be doing that. Does that make sense?
David: Yeah, I can totally get it. So, there’s a lot of ‘should’ in there. Now, how would you live your life differently today, if all of your ‘shoulds’ disappeared in an instant?
Client: Then I’d live my life as I’d want to live it.
The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.
Client: Anyway, how are we?
David: We are really, really, really good. Thanks for asking. I’m liking my life, I‘m liking my job, and I’m not too stressed out. I am sleeping less than I used to, and I like it.
Client: Yeah, I’m quite the opposite right now.
David: Yeah, but something that I have noticed that might be more useful to you – I have been able to let go of more. So I don’t think anything’s changed. I still have the same stresses and the same things, but I have just decided that it’s going well, and I am not going to worry about it. I am just going to do what I need to do and do the important stuff first and the rest of it will take care of itself. That has made me feel a lot better.
Client: That sounds good.
The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.
David: But can you get that you might – like your little secret, don’t tell anybody – can you get that you might be having perfect weeks and you just don’t know it, like no one told you?
Client: Hmm. Yep.
David: I want you to play with that, and know that when you judge yourself, ‘I’m not having enough, I’m not doing enough,’ that’ll come up all the time. That’s okay. You don’t need to stop that. Just notice that it’s coming up. But I just want you to remember what I said, that you might be having perfect weeks and no one told you.
Client: Hmm.
David: Now, moving on with the stuff that you put down on your form, I want to tell you my perspective on all this, because as a coach I’ve got certain opinions on where you are and what you’ve done. I love it. I think you’re perfectly on track, and I love it. I know that the finances are an issue, and I’m really happy to see that you’ve actually taken action on that, because you could have just left it and kind of just made that another thing for you to bear. But you haven’t done that, so well done on moving forward on it.
The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.
David: Now, here’s the fourth one to do either this week or next week. It might be in your conversation you have with him or it might be in how you finish the conversation.
Client: Yes.
David: You’ve written a bunch of requests that you’d love to make. By the way, you can’t make the request that he says yes to everything you ask. That’s not making a request. That’s a request that he not be a human being.
Client: Yes.
David: Just saying that little technical point. These requests here – would you come to Walderton with me and look at houses? Would you help me with dinner and shopping if I go out doing yoga? These are great requests. What I suggest for you is that you pick one.
Client: Okay.
David: You choose one and you let him know how important it is. You let him know how much you love it, and if need be, you can even find out what it would take to make it fun enough for him.
David: Well, I think you’re pretty much there. It’s just details now. So I would love it, when you get a moment tomorrow, to send me a quick email, just letting me know how it went. You know, however it goes, that’s how it’s going to go. Also, would you please email me with what you would say to your grandparents? You’ve just done some awesome communication here with me. So, similar vein: what is there; what can you be responsible for; what can you ask for? You know, just the truth for you. Get it out. Send it to me in a way that feels powerful to you and if I can add anything to it, I’ll get back to you on it.
Client: Okay. Sounds really good.
David: You’ve got two weeks to do some stuff, so it’s great that you said to me, ‘Look I’m feeling pretty empowered and I know what I’ve got to do.’ So, you’re going to work on the ‘clean sweep’. Keep getting it moving – keep cleaning up. I’m going to send you something called the ‘Who Am I’ questions and that’s for you to start looking at who you are as a coach. You’ll have some time to look at that. Do it early in the week, so that you can then think about it and readdress it over the next seven days. Then you can send it to me with your self-coaching form.
The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.
David: Paul, I’m going to ask you to slow down.
Client: [laughing] I’m getting going aren’t I?
David: Yeah, you’re really getting going. So let’s slow down. I get that your mom was tough, but she also did a lot of great stuff. What I’m hearing from you is: if I was going to put it into your words – I’ll put it in your words and you tell me if that’s true for you – it would be, ‘Mom, I wanted more attention as a kid. There’s a certain way I thought that should look and I didn’t get it. I’m actually angry and pissed off, because I didn’t feel loved. I didn’t really, really feel it and I’ve decided (and this may not be rational), but I’ve decided it’s your fault and I’m angry.’ Does that fit you?
Client: Yes.
David: OK, great. Thank you.
Client: So, I’ve toned it down. I was talking in the past.
David: So how would you say it talking in the present? Because I think those feelings are still there. What would you say to her now? I’m not suggesting that you say this to her if you were going to be nosebleed truth about it, but what would you say?
Client: It’s basically what you just said, and it has been said. It was said five years ago. That’s basically what I said. The problem only occurs when I’m living with her; when I see her like a son normally sees his mother.
