The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.
David: So, my invitation to you is, draw the boundaries so you know how far it goes. That way you don’t have to wonder everyday, ‘Am I not allowed to spend this? Is this too much?’ Work out the boundaries so you know where it is and then lap it up! Enjoy it. Go overboard with it. Acknowledge him. Thank him. Play with it.
Client: Okay.
David: If you’re going to get support, you might as well enjoy it. For some women, this is their entire goal!
Client: You know, I’ve always thought that it wouldn’t be bad to have that, and now that I’ve got it in my face it’s just really scary, because I’m defining it as dependence. What I need to understand is that I could never be dependent on someone, because I know that I can take care of myself if I need to.
David: Right, you can.
Client: [laughing] I feel better.
The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.
David: So this relationship thing, I am really glad to be talking about this with you. Let me give you some feedback on what you wrote: you have ‘100% commitment to resist in order to do what I want’ and ‘I am constantly pulled by ‘do I want to do my own thing and be happy or should I do this thing fully for both of us so that we both can be happy in two years?’ Which one will ultimately give the relationship a chance at success: your being happy or you making the relationship happy?
Client: Probably, if I’m happy. I think.
David: You’re not sure, are you?
Client: Well, when my partner says things like, ‘well, you know we should do this together and we’re doing it for our future’… I kind of get distracted by those things, and I think for him, that’s really important that we do these things together. He requires like 100% of my time and my energy and my effort. Then I think, in order for it to work, then I shouldn’t be doing that. Does that make sense?
David: Yeah, I can totally get it. So, there’s a lot of ‘should’ in there. Now, how would you live your life differently today, if all of your ‘shoulds’ disappeared in an instant?
Client: Then I’d live my life as I’d want to live it.
The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.
David: Now, here’s the fourth one to do either this week or next week. It might be in your conversation you have with him or it might be in how you finish the conversation.
Client: Yes.
David: You’ve written a bunch of requests that you’d love to make. By the way, you can’t make the request that he says yes to everything you ask. That’s not making a request. That’s a request that he not be a human being.
Client: Yes.
David: Just saying that little technical point. These requests here – would you come to Walderton with me and look at houses? Would you help me with dinner and shopping if I go out doing yoga? These are great requests. What I suggest for you is that you pick one.
Client: Okay.
David: You choose one and you let him know how important it is. You let him know how much you love it, and if need be, you can even find out what it would take to make it fun enough for him.
The following is an excerpt of an actual transaction between David and a client in Top Coaching Techniques.
David: Because it’s beautiful! I don’t know where how he’s going to take it, you know? Who knows?
Client: Yeah.
David: I didn’t have his childhood. I don’t know what his life’s like right now. I don’t know what it means to him. I don’t know how attached he might be to this business idea. We have no idea, but that’s not the point. This is powerful and it’s beautiful and I can see you sharing it with him and giving him the opportunity to share his thoughts and what he needs. Here’s what I want for you. I want you to have this support.
Client: Okay. Yeah, it’ll be interesting to see if he’ll give it.
David: It will be. I say that a relationship without having this support from your partner is not really a relationship.
Okay.
David: Now, if you’re doing the business, then and I’m going to assert this – it’s not the truth, but I’m going to assert it and if you decide to take it on, you can take it on and you can assert it too – if you do support him in the business, then you can request or demand his support. You deserve it. If you don’t do the business, then you can request or demand his support.
Client: Mm hmm.
David: You deserve it!
The following is an excerpt from Top Coaching Techniques.
1. I like you more than I let on; I’d like to spend more time with you
2. You’re sexy/I want to have sex with you
3. I feel hurt by something you did/do
4. I’m drained by you…….(being late, not returning my calls, yelling at me etc.)
5. I’d really like you to touch and hug me more
6. I love you. Thank you for being in my life.
7. I’m angry at you.
8. I’m having sex to please you/keep you in the relationship
9. I’m worried if I tell you the truth you’ll be angry/ I’m afraid.
10. I’ve been showing you the front I want you to see – all my life! Now you’ll see me!
The following is an excerpt from Top Coaching Techniques.
1. Ask your partner for three things you do that bugs or upsets him/her. (And then cut it out!)
2. Find three things your partner does that you appreciate, but don’t thank them enough for – and thank them!
3. Acknowledge your partner for ~who~ they are (as opposed to what they do) e.g. generous, loving, vulnerable, caring, funny.
4. Make a list of TEN things you value about your partner and the relationship, and let them know!
5. Advanced: Give him/her the space to tell you the things she’s scared to tell you. (Ask for something she’s uncomfortable telling you, and then BE OK with it – no matter what! You don’t get a second chance at this game)
6. Ask him/her if you’ve ever disappointed him. Then let him know it’s not your intention. (Note: if your emotions come up in response – let them go or leave the room!)
7. Advanced: What’s the Number One thing you’ve been withholding from your partner? Give them the change to accept you for who you are and what you’ve done.
8. Mark in your diary a weekly surprise for him/her. It can be a trip to Fiji, or a massage – it’s the regular thinking that counts.
9. Ask him/her the Number One thing you can do to make her happy.
10. Schedule a “pleasure session” for your partner where his/her job is only to enjoy, and reciprocation is not allowed!!!!
